The previous post talks about the pitfalls. Obviously, the next question to ask if there is any of the good stuff. The answer is "yes, there is" and by focussing on the best practices, we can make the marriage stronger and happier, hopefully for a long time.
We must make it a point that the marriage is not just about avoiding divorce or to hang in there because of the kids. We should make it such where both the husband and wife are genuinely happy with each other's company and want to stay together "for better or for worse, through rich and poorer, 'til death do us part".
Best Practices for a Strong, Happy Marriage
1. Talk openfully and respectfully
Practise active listening and "I" statement to avoid blame
Why this is Important: healthy communication reduces misunderstanding
Healthy communications means engaging in open, healthy and empathetic dialogue with active listening, respect with clear expression of needs. In the day and age of mobile phones, iPads and AI, most of us live as though our 2nd half do not exist - we can spend the entire day just looking at the screens and then we head off to bed. The cycle begins the next day with the bombardment of news, memes, cats and dogs videos. We prefer short term relief rather than long term benefits with happy relationships.
Remember the dating times when we just sit down and listen to each other? We listen attentively to what each other have to say, look at each other with full eye contact and try to understand beyond what the words mean. We still can do this even after years of marriage.
Share our feelings (about our jobs, our boss, our colleagues, our neighbours, friends). Share our thoughts about what we heard or read - politics, sports, commentaries, music. Share our concerns without fear of judgment - of the well-being of our kids, our finances, the fear of losing our jobs due to AI, when we want to retire and how to prepare for it - downgrading to a smaller house that is closer to a gym/swimming pool/running track....
When we talk, we have see (or learn to see) from the other's viewpoint. Most guys probably cannot understand why there is anxiety or why our spouse cannot control their emotions and explode due to hormonal changes. But this is something we must learn. As much as we cannot understand we still have to validate that the fears exist, and that it is OK to be not OK.
2. Prioritize quality time together
Schedule regular date nights or share hobbies, walks, food (breakfast, dinner)
Why this is Important: small rituals strengthen bonds
When is the last time you dated? When is the last "honeymoon"?
To many, once the kids arrived and with the increase of time spent at work to provide for the family, plus perhaps personal time for fitness, together-time with the spouse will be of less importance. And yet, this time with our better-half is the one that will be the most long-lasting - kids will leave home, friends/buddies/colleagues will have other priorities, pets die.
We humans are a creature of habits. The most difficult things to do is to start and once that is done, we will eventually get used to it and then it become a habit. And thsi does nto need to eb expensive or involve food all the time. We can start by scheduling an after-dinner walk of perhaps 15-30 mins. Another one is to have a longer 30min-1hour pre-breakfast walk on week-ends, or a 1-hour gym session. Alternatively, sign up for a Pilates or Yoga class together after work.
Perhaps in the dates, discuss the next country to visit or plans for the next 10K/21K/marathon, concert or football match. Or combine the 2 and make it into a short getaway.
3. Embrace conflict as an oportunity for growth
- Diagreements are natural (and common) - be aware and acknowledge this
- Focus on solutions (win-win), not compromise (lose-lose) and certainly not I-win-You-lose
Why this is Important: Conflict resolution skills are key to marital success
BTW, I can tell you that after 25 years of marriage...I have been through all this, including seeking professional help. So this is not "if it happens". I can tell you that "it will happen".
There will always be disagreements, although for some reason many of them happen all at once and we get overwhelmed. When that happens, even minor things that are insignificant can get blown out of proportions and lead to the utterance of the "D" word (divorce). Unless it is adultery-related, the reality is that most issues can be resolved in am amicable manner.
After speaking to several friends who have gone though divorce, both parties will actually fare worse than if they have remained in the relationship, in health or mental or even financial state. Think about it, during the wedding ceremony, we swore in front of a great many people including our family that we will be together for better or for worse. Thus, it should not be a wonder if there are repercussions.
Obviously, to resolve marital conflicts is easier said than done - unlike at work, we cannot just say "let's call it a day. We sleep on this and then come back to it tomorrow or on Monday". We cannot do this if we are all under one roof (or ceiling for those staying in apartments). Let's face it, marital conflicts are more difficult because of the sensitive nature of both parties and we are both emotionally involved. So we have no choice but throw objectivity out the window. But we can take some lessons we learn from conflict resolution and apply them.
Firstly, we have to get the right mindset before the talk - this is important that we set the scene.
- We must believe in good intent - that even if the actions are hurtful, our spouse means well
- Create a safe space that both can express our feeling without fear of judgment.
- Go into the discussion to understand and resolve the issues - and NOT to win
Next is what happens during the talk. As much as we can, try to remember these pointers:
- Avoid the blame game by using "I feel this when you" rather than "You always...".
- Listen actively - even if we do want to judge, we have agree that we will listen (with our ears, with our eyes and with our hearts) to our spouse before interjecting
- Stay focused - as much as we want to bring up past mistakes, this will not help the situation. Instead focus on the current problem.
- The two of you are a team - so atack the issue and not the person.
- If the emotions get too high, it is not a bad idea to ask for 15-30 minutes "time out" of calm
- Maintain curiosity rather than brushing off certain items - seek to understand rather than bneing defensive or making accusation. Ask "tell me more"
After the discussion, no matter what happens, we have to move forward.
- Acknowledge the feelings - while we may not need to agree on everything, it is important to acknowledge and accept that the feelings are valid. Say "I can understand why you feel this way"
- Seek middle ground - we should discuss and look for solutions that can meet most, if not all the needs. It means listing the items that are important (which ones are considered deal-breakers) and perhaps give way to one that preferences (I want it this way but I suppose I can live with that)
In some situations, it could be that the disagreement may be too much for just the couple to handle. We need to know when to seek professional help - when communication is breaking down, when trust is broken, or when the "D" word gets mentioned too often such that we start making future plans.
In many cases, therapy and counselling will help couple to reconcile before it gets too late.
The data says that while 31% of couples have attended premarital counselling, only 19% seek some form of couples therapy. As for the actual divorce cases, less than 37% has professional help before signing the papers.
It's not and easy thing to initiate but if we want the marriage to last, seeking help should be something to consider when things head south...and we need to do this earlier before it gets out of control.
Moving on to part 2 (work in progress)