This is Part 2 of the best practices for mariages
4. Maintain individuality
- Encourage personal growth and hobbies
- Just because one is married does not mean that we should lose ourself
Why this is Important: A healthy marriage supports independance and togetherness
One key aspect of a lasting marriage is that each have a "life". There is a saying way back in college, that those who study all the time has no "life". This may be applied to the marriage as well, as per Rebecca Williams who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT).
She is answering query from a Reddit post which complained of a husband who is very engaged in his gaming pastime. According to Rebecca, many couples holds unrealistic expectations that the "soulmate" should meet the needs at all times.
She mentioned that embracing hobbies allow partners to maintain their individuality and bring more richness and fulfillment into the realtionship. It is prefectly normal - and healthy - that partners do not share every interest and hobby. Maintaining individual hobbies is crucial for personal fulfillment and brings fresh energy into the relationship.
5. Show appreciation daily
- Compliments and acts of kindness go a long way
Why this is Important: Gratitude is a powerful tool for relationship happiness
There is a paper written in the Brigham Young University Undergraduate Journal of Psychology that explores this - titled "The Expression of Gratitude as a Contributor of Marital Strength" by Kandace Palmer. As per the title of the 20-page paper, appreciation contributes to the marriage. Here are some of the key points mentioned in the abstract - all substantiated by research (which probably explains the big words used):
- Gratitude is an important positive emotion for personal and social growth; its expressions enhances interpersonal connections by fulfilling innate human needs to receive security, support and merit
- Gratitude is considered to be a paramount emotion to communicating "responsiveness"and for marriage survival
- As truly appreciative feelings and expressions increase in marriage, the relationship will be improved beause grateful feelings often influence partners to invest more time and energy in favor of the relationship
6. Plan for a future together
- Discuss financial goals, family plans and personal aspirations
Why this is Important: Shared vision creates unity and purpose
It is pretty obvious...if you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, one should talk about goals and plans for the future. The problem is - how many of us actually do this? In most cases, we are pretty spent at the end of the day after working for 8-10 hours, plus keeping the house clean, cooking/eating dinner, plus running some errands for the next day. Those with kids will need time to drive the kids to academic tuition, swimming/ballet/tennis/piano lessons, plus guiding them with homework. Plus we do experience emergencies one time or another (sickness, accidents, home repairs due to faulty toilets, flooding kitchens, leaking ceilings, etc.).
How can we even think about the future?
Well, talk we must but perhaps here is some advice if you have not thought about. Call it a "do it once and move this to auto-pilot" mode.
Financial goals
Very rarely do people want to be rich (a la Bill Gates, Warren Buffet or Jeff Bezos's billions). What most people really want is to be wealthy, which is quite different. To be wealthy is to be able to walk to a shop/restaurant and be able to buy anything you want without stopping to look at the price-tag. Obviously, there is a difference of the type of shop - which could range from the Dollar-Store to Walmart to a Prada boutique or 3-star Michelin place. For most, I suppose Wal-Mart will be the norm.
2 things to reach this goal, as adviced by the gurus:
- Start investing by putting aside at least 10% of what you earn every month
- Once you reach an invest-able amount (about $5K) invest 90% in ETFs or low-cost funds that tracks the S&P500 and 10% in bonds
- If you can, invest more (up to 20-30%) in the initial years (after graduation) until you hit $100K in savings, then remain at least at 10% every year untiol you retire. Then use the power of compounding (the 8th wonder) to make it work.
In other words, spend as per normal but do make sure to save as well...and you will do fine.
Family Plans
Yes, in addition to the investment, do set aside a little to address these, the earlier the better.
Plans for kids: decide what you want the kids to do. Are they going to be in sports (Olynpucs or pro-sports), ballet, chess, or gamer? All these will take some effort and some substantial investments to reach world-class level.
If they are taking the academic path, will this be at a local college or a top private university such as Harvard, MIT, Oxbridge? If it is the latter, we will need a discussion on how to achieve this, esp. if this will entail snagging a full-time scholarship. By the way, the Harvard undergraduate degree comes with a scholarship. The difficulty is in getting the offer with a SAT score of 1550 or higher.
Travel: all will get infected by the travel bug, if not sooner, then later. Initially, this will be part of business travel but after going abroad for the first time, one will realize how wide the world really is. Yes, travel does widen your horizon and one gets to see stuff that can only bes seen on television or social media. Imagine going through the streets in Tokyo muching on authentic sushi and ramen, eating real Chinese food in Guangzhou, visiting the Grand Canyon in Arizona, the Avatar mountains in Zhangjiajie, the Louvre and Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Swiss Alps, or skiing in Niseko or watching K-pop concert in Seoul...the possibility of the next adventure is endless.
House: even if we get a brand new house that is built by a well-known developer, the house will eventually need some form of repair, say after 10 years or so. If there is overseas posting due to promotion, then you will need to do up the house to prepare it for rental or sale. If the wifey gets tired of the wall color or decide to do a full kitchen revamp. then this requires some planning as well.
Family Car: switching from a oil-guzzler (even if it is a fuel-efficient Toyota) to an electric vehicle will be something all of us will need to think about in the next few years. With the sheer selection of available EVs in the market, plus the availability of charging stations, we will have to do this.
Personal Aspirations:
Better career, fulfilling the bucket list - doing the Ironman, skydiving, getting a high-end audio with tube ampliers and full-range loudspeakers, becoming a full-time content creator or author or artist, quitting the job and starting a business, doing a sabbatical, hiking the El Camino de Santiago or to the Everest Base Camp, etc.
Conclusion
Marriage seems like a destination when we begin. We went through the dating process, followed by planning the wedding and then building (buying, renovating, living together) the home for us to live in. 25 years later, I can say with surety that it is but a start of long journey. That is just the beginning and if we do the necessary steps correctly, we will be in a much better shape to steer our boat along.
Yes, there will be storms...most are light winds with minor tubulences, others are more gale-like and an oocasional cyclone.
It requires intentional effort, empathy and adaptability. Those that invests in communication, nurture intimacy, and celebrate individuality can build a foundation that can weather though the many storms that will come.