Why social relationships?
In the book, "The Good Life" written by Rober Waldinger of Harvard Medical School and Marc Shulz, psychology professor at Bryn Mawr College, the authors concluded that the key to a good life is as simple as having a relationship. They then expounded that the strength of the relationship is a good indicator of both the physical and mental health, which correlate to having a good life.
If we expand the word relationships, one can see that it consists of Marital, Parental and Social. One would think that Social (or just friendships) would probably be the easiest one. We make friends all the way thru school (when we are young kids or during college for those who made it there). We also have opportunities to make friends at our workplaces. So, this should be easy, right?
In the Strait Times published 10 Jan 2026, it was reported by the Institute of Policy Studies that 1 in 10 Singaporeans do not have close friends. Despite the advances in technology, most still make friends in person. The study based on over 3,700 persons, titled Fraternity and the Social Fabric in the Digital Age also found that a minority is turning to AI (chatbots) for companionship, although most still say that interaction with AI does not replace human friendships.
Types and Level of Friendships
The key aspects of friendship, as opposed to parental and marital is that friendships are almost 100% voluntary rather than by obligation. On a side note, marriage is ideally voluntary but there has been sufficient studies that planned or arranged marriages do have good outcomes as well. For academic purposes, let's explore the types and levels of friendships...
Aristotle, in his Nicomachean Ethics described that there are 3 types of friends which influences our happiness and well-being.
- Friendships of utility
- Formed for mutual benefit - business partners, colleagues
- Often temporary (depending on the business or compnay)...dissolves at business closure, or during termination/resignation.
- Friendships of pleasure
- Based on shared interest or hobbies
- These can be teammates, army buddies, hobby (dance) partners, or young people who enjoy each other's company for pleasure
- Are usually temporary and dissolves if the pleasure changes
- Friendships of the good or of virtue
- Based on mutual respect, admiration and desire to see the other person(s) flourish
- Deep, lasting and often "complete" but requires time, intimacy and shared virtue
Obviously, the "perfect" one will be the latter. These are lasting because they focused on caring for the other person rather than for oneself. But it will require time and sometime sacrifices (some good and bad situations) before these friendships can form.
In our younger years, making friends is easy. We just ask "Can I be your friend?" and if the answer is "yes", we are friends. As we grown into teens, in our 20s and later in life, friends are often chosen with care or via circumstances - some good and some bad. Some get into fights and as we resolve them together, we get closer.
The thing is, making friends is a rather random process, so we think. But what if we really examine the levels of friendship and act upon them, like how we intentionally do for academics and sports. Perhaps we can have more friends or make friends that last. Wouldn't that be something?
According to Michelle Garcia Winner, founder of Social Thinking, there are 5 levels of friendships...which we shall explore in greater detail.
Level 1: Greetings
These are the "Hi, how are you?" type of friendships that you meet at the hallways, at the coffee machine. It is the lowest stage but here is where it gets interesting - this is the MOST important. I put at the very centre. Why?
Ever heard of the phrase "I think this is going to be the start of a very beautiful realtionship?" or the Bible verse the says, "Do not despise the day of small beginnings"? Well, there is a follow-on verse that says that "the Lord rejoices to see the work begin".
In the first level of friendships, first impressions count. A bad impression at first glance means status quo - no change. Make a good first impression and this will lead to a higher level type of friendship. You want to progress beyond the "Good morning" greeting, if the person make you feel comfortable. Or perhaps the other person is really, really good-looking.
Level 2: Acquaintances
The 2nd level of friendship is the type where we have something in common. This is the person you meet often at the coffee-shop, the person you sit together at the same place in church, the colleague that you work with on a project or function, or you go to the same classes. This is the one where you say "You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?" You probably know of each other, you know what the other person does (at work, church, club, class, etc.) but you have not spoken.
To move to the next step means to acknowledge that the other person exist and that the person will need to acknowledge that you exist. And that both of you are worthy (remember that "first impressions count"?) to form a casual conversation, either thru your speech, or looks, or behaviour.
Level 3: Casual / Evolving friends
This is the most common level of friendships.
This is where, when asked, a person will say that he knows the other person. To get here, it requires effort as it usually means setting up a time to meet each other usually due to some common interest. This could be due to work when you are workign on the same project together, social activities such planning for a party, participation in sports, or staying in a hostel (for school-going kids). Most will have many friends in thsi nature but few get to go beyond due to certain dislikes of each other.
The most common comment, is "I can work with him...but that's it, nothing more". Usually, it is when you spend more time that you discover (or uncover) some traits that make you not get along, when you say "I hate his guts".
But there is always this very small chance, the more you know a person that you want to spend more time with the person. This type of friendship will go further...
Level 4: Bonded friends
At this level of friendship, the friends are personally and emotionally invested. They will share the good things, and the bad things. This is where they meet frequently to have coffee or meals together to share stories, and that they call when they are in trouble, or to seek prayers when they have difficulties.
I think this is where the church wants the cell-group to aspire to be. Where each member will watch out for another - they will rejoice when another does well, and cry together if one screws up or gets a cancer diagnosis or thru a divorce. We see each other at the best and the worst, and still commit to remain friends and hang out.
Level 5: Intimate friends
The final stage - most friends will not make it here where Aristotle defined as "one soul occupying two bodies". If we have one friend like that, it is great...a few actually more than one which is rarity. These come thru time (decades), and often thru fears, disasters, fights, vulnerabilites. Intimate friends share the deepest, darkest secrets. They connect to each other soul to soul, and commit to the advancement of each other's well-being.
Intimate friends will say "it is OK that I am out...as long as he can continue".
Conclusion
There you have it...the means of making friends. Not all will become bonded or close friends. but if we have several in each levels, I seriously believe that we can say we are living the good life, and we will be happier that way.