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Avoiding Unreasonable Behavior - 6 Questions to Ask

Recap: In the previous post I talked about divorce and (premature) death as one of the things that we should avoid (duh!) if we want our kids to be successful. Just because we stay together does not mean that our kids will do well, but it is almost certain that if we become a single parent, the hurdle gets even higher. 

So, how do we maintain our marriage for 10, 20, 30 years...for as long as we can? 

Professor Arthur Aron of SUNY Stony Brook became famous for his 36 questions that will lead to 2 persons to fall in love. These start off with questions like "...whom do you want to be as dinner guests?" and "would you like to be famous?" to more serious questions like "when did you last cry?" and "share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how to..."
Well, this probably do not apply to those already in a marriage as these questions are to make you fall in love. The bigger question (and more important one) is how to remain in love. 



In the course of doing the research, Prof Aron also discover 6 questions that when asked, will potentially cause couples to break up...depending on the answers that was given. Perhaps this could give us an insights on what constitutes unreasonable behavior, i.e one of the most common cited cause for divorce (49%). Let's explore these and see if we can apply them in our marriage or relationship (for those contemplating marriage).

1. What exactly does this person do for me every day?


We are not just talking about surviving on love and fresh air (altho' it is a nice feeling). It is not just saying "I love you", or "I feel loved". This question demands concrete actions. Most can name perhaps 1 or 2, and some of those things happened years back...a memory and not daily activity. 

Some suggestions: 
  • Making breakfast
  • Driving the partner to work.
  • Meeting for lunch
  • Praying daily for the other's well-being
  • A peck or kiss to start the day 
  • Giving a hug after a long day
  • Cooking dinner for me 
  • Asking me (sincerely) about my day and  listening when I have something to say
  • Taking care of the kids while I rest
  • Helping with the chores....

2. If I met this person for the first time, would I choose them again?


Honestly, if you know everything you know now, is it still "I do"? Be honest, there will be days of disagreements or major conflicts, the bad days, the times when promises are broken and the excuses provided in defense.

The poll: 80% of the respondents said "No" to the question. It is not "maybe" or "let me put some more thought into this" but "No". 

While it sounds bleak, remember that there is the other 20% who did not say "No". So we should ask ourselves, what actions we must now take to ensure that the answer provided is that, "After all these years, I still do". 

The walks after dinner, the foot/back rub after a long day at work, the brief hand squeeze that says "I care". There is 1 school of thought that says we need to build up a storehouse of "good". The storehouse of "bad" is easy, the more difficult part is to ensure the "good" outweighs the "bad".

Bonus: I find that the 2nd honeymoon works wonders...and please, do not wait when you are 50 when you have nothing to do after the kids are away for college. Do it as soon as the kids are slightly independent...say when they are 13. Start prepping them but getting away for a few hours and asking them to manage their own dinners. Of course, it helps if grandma or grandpa (or the aunt nd uncle) is around, but neighbors works just as well - do plan for earlier rather than later.

3. How many times have I changed myself, my plans, my boundaries, for this person?


Write down the answers in 2 columns...if one is significantly longer than the other, then this is not love but sacrifice. If there is imbalance, oxytocin drops. Love dies from unequal effort faster than it dies from betrayal. 

There is a point when Scripture advices believers that " be ye not unequally yoked"...which usually refers to differences in beliefs, core values and since this is taken from Paul's letter, of faith in God versus the Greeks. 

From the research done by Prof Aron, this includes actions as well. If one party does a lot more than the other, then it is (or will be) a problem. In healthy couples, it starts off that way but improves over time.  Perhaps it has become normal because we see this on TV or in the movies, when the man of the house does the heroics of earning $ while the wife takes care of everything at home, including tending to the in-laws. I will say this - it is not sustainable. For a marriage to last, equivalent and balanced efforts must be exercised in the entire course of the marriage. Skip that and the marriage deteriorates. 

Here are some questions to ponder:
  • If the wife (or the husband) takes care of dinner, who does the cleaning up?
  • Who does the chores yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after, next week?
  • If the husband is paying for all the insurance, what contributions does the wife make for emergencies?
  • Who is responsible for making sure that the retirements needs are met?  
  • If one is working late due to unforeseen issue at work, can I expect the other to take up the slack?
  • How many "no" (or "yes") answers are we giving to each other? Is it balanced

4. What do I get here, that I could not get from other people or from myself?


We are not just talking about love, or even support. We probably can get this (or buy it) through the marketplace, our friends, our family, a therapist or as simple as thru our work or hobbies. This question is asking for something unique, that keeps the partnership alive even when situation looks grim enough to quit. Aron wants us to ask, " Why tolerate the toxicity, nothing here is irreplaceable?"

I was stumped for a moment. Reflecting on our lives, I must admit that there has been some moments...

  • Good conversations during family dinners (at home, at restaurants, during travels, or before attending a major concert or performance) 
  • After-dinner walks in the park or just around the block for some grocery shopping
  • When I am in trouble at any time, at any place, I know there is a number that I can call for help. 
  • When I am down with a medical condition, I know there is at least 1 person praying for me, hoping that I can make it through 

5. Who have I become next to this person? Better or worse?


Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask, "Did you grow? Stronger? More confident?" Or is it leaning towards the alternative, i.e., "Am you more anxious now? More closed off, less sure of yourself"

When a relationship takes more than it gives, the brain triggers self-preservation. It becomes less trusting and heads toward the "What is in it for me?" attitude.  Love retreats in the face of survival.

6. If my best friend would be in this relationship, what would I tell them?

This last questions removes all subjectivity...no emotions and just pure logic. In some cases, the answer is just one word - "Run". 

I am hoping that you have another one and it says HODL. Yes, it is a term which means keeping/holding it despite the crazy ups and downs. If you have good responses for the initial 5 questions, then it is obvious that this is a keeper and you want to continue. 


Application 

Prof Aron wrote that you should write your own answers down. Then leave it alone for a period...he wrote 24 hours so that we can sleep on it, but perhaps we should let it simmer for more time. 

Then review it again with fresh eyes. Be objective...no illusions, no lies. If the love is gone, then it is idealization after all, that it is not real. However, if it is warmer, clearer, calmer, then the love is real.











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