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The 3rd Circle: Parental



Parenting is something many took for granted. To many, it is a nonchalant affair, where one just decide to have kids - it is just something that happened with not much planning. In some (rare) cases, it is accidental and not planned. 

Take being pawrents ("parents" of dogs and cats) as a example. There are more people who talked about abandoned pets (dogs, cats, rabbits) that we see ads everywhere to seriously consider before going to a pet shop and get a puppy or hamster. If we are doing this for animals, why are there no ads telling people to think twice before having kids? Or maybe this is intentional since the birthrate is already so low. What we should consider is after the kids are born: is there a manual on what comes after that? If there is, will people even want to read it?

In truth (and sadly for the many who have a different opinion) parenting involves influencing pretty much entire trajectory of another human being, the ones who will rely on you 100% for their sustenance and well-being in the initial (10-16) years. In one way or another, the things we do as a parent will change the life of the next generation, in one way or another, and hopefully, for the better. 

I do have some success in bringing up my kids with both of them achieving the following:
  • Accepted into the Gifted Education Program 
  • Accepted in Raffles Institution
  • Scored straigth As in the Singapore GCE A levels
  • Accepted into the top universities: NUS, Waseda, Imperial College, University College, NTU
The most important, in my opinion, is that after all this, my kids are still talking to us parent as tho' we are friends, on a regular basis even when they are overseas (many thanks to WhatsApp). 

Here is the interesting part...I am no genius (absolute truth). They say that the apple does not fall too far from the tree, so if they do take after my genes (yes, I have checked that they really are my kids), they should be just average, or maybe just slightly above average. So, I guess there are things which we as parents did right to arrive at this juncture.  After talking with a number of people, i then realized that this is not common at all. 

So, what are the main things that we have found, that works? Obviously there are many but I suppose that if we can fit this into a post, it would be these 3 things.

Firstly, read to your kids as early as possible...when they are ready to sit up. This is explained in this post on reading.

The next opportunity to influence your child will be the pre-school period, from ages 4 to 7. At this age, the child is ready for you to direct their paths, be it in hobbies, skills or whatever life allows them to do. This is where we allow them to try as much stuff as they can amd we observe if they have a natural ability in that particular vocation. Some may excel in music, others in graphic/visual arts, performing arts, sports and even in academic pursuits. 

Once you have identified one or several things that your child seem to excel in, spend time to nurture that "gift". Take the example of the Polgars - the father  tried Math and languages before settling on chess. The 3 Polgar sisters went on to be the top players, which one even winning games against players such as Magnus Carlsen. A more modern story is of Eileen Gu who tried many things before skiing - with her mom driving hours to the slopes to let her practice. 

The most important (and probably the last chance to do so) is the early teen years. If you screw this up, it pretty much goes downhill from here - you may still be able to rescue the situation somewhat if mistakes are made, but it is very difficult. In my book, i wrote that this period may also be the one that if do things wrong, your child may even take his or her own life. 

The early teen years is when there are hormonal changes in your child, and it is extremely difficult to predict how they will turn out - the sweet and kind son may turn out to be totally uncontrollable when it comes to gaming or pick up undesirable traits. Start early if you can - have consistent family time when they are young and keep at it. Teach them (from your own experience) that shit happens and guide them on how you resolve your own issues. If you need intervention, do it as early when they can still be influenced. Pray for them, that this period will pass quickly...trust me, it will pass. As they approach the 17-18 years, they will just "grow up" - your job is to ensure that they do.

No matter how we see it, parenting is tough but if we put in the effort (plus prayers), we will make it work. 


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